Not crazy, Just a Little Unwell...

My mind is buzzing. Mostly dark thoughts. I don't feel right. I feel mean. Is that me? Is that who I am now? I don't know at the moment. Do I know who I am? Would it scare me to know who I've become? I'm tired of the mood swings. Of being freakishly happy part of the day and borderline depressed the next part of the day. Why can't I just be happy all day and not feel like I'm lying through my teeth when I smile? When I laugh it feels real. When I smile, it usually feels real. Why does it still feel like I'm lying? Like I'm not really happy, that it's just a pretense? Why does it feel like the calm before the storm? I hate feeling apart. I feel like I'm drifting away, like I'm a totoally different person from a year ago. I feel like a stranger to my best friends. I'm sorry. I wish I knew how to fix myself. Maybe part of it is just that I'm antisocial...but still, I hardly talk anymore to those I love the most, and those I used to talk to about anything and everything. The other night, and even tonight I felt a mean thought at just about everything someone said. Lucky I'm so good at keeping my mouth shut, or I would have screwed stuff up for myself. That's another thing. I am so f-ing sick of feeling like every time I open my mouth either one of two things: 1. that no one will listen and 2. people will listen and I will say something so stupid that I am either humiliated or the other person looks at me differently (in a negative way) from there on out. How can I fix myself? When I pray, I feel detached. Like because I don't care anymore, I don't want to care, and therefore God won't hear me out. So I try to pray for others instead of myself...when I do pray. Would having God back in my life make everything all better? What even drove Him out? I shouldn't have ever let Him out of my sight, but now He seems out of reach....Someone recently asked me what kind of pain I've had in my life. Obviously something has me all screwed up inside. Maybe it's just that I'm female and I overthink things. Or maybe all of this nuttiness is just my doing over time. I wish the world would stop for a second so I can think things out. But school continues, work continues, I am swamped by homework, and people, and bills, and problems, and thoughts, with not a shred of time or energy left to break down and cry. Like I said. Dark thoughts. Dark mood. Hopefully my dreams won't be dark too.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StFfXP4eAgU